Relationships

The more I try to maintain relationships, the clearer it becomes to me who is worth it and who isn't. I've gone through so many "friends" in the past year, and it makes me really sad. It makes me wonder if it's me that people are turned off by. Is it something that I'm doing wrong? I think that the main problem is how I like to spend my free time. I know that I always talk about how introverted I am, but really. My ideal Friday night is being in my PJs, a cup of chai tea, netflix/a good book, and talking to someone I care about, talking as in over text or snapchat or something. I don't mind doing things like going to the beach or Disneyland, or even sometimes shopping with other people, but I don't like to just hang out with people for the sake of hanging out. Even if you are my closest friend in the world, I'd rather be alone and just talking to you from the comfort of my room.

I don't know where this comes from. Probably my dad. I feel like he's the same way too, although he's been going out a lot, but I don't know what he does, so I don't know. My brother and sister both have a lot of friends. My brother is more introverted like me, but still loves company. My sister is very extroverted and loves being around people. And then there's my mom, the life of the party. I suppose there always has to be the odd one out in a family? Although, I embody many characteristics from both of my parents, so I guess not.

Like I was saying, I've gone through so many friendships. It doesn't  help much that I moved 300 miles away for college, and then transferred after my first year. I didn't really try to make lasting relationships because I knew they wouldn't last, and I sort of grew out of the friends I had from home. As for everyone else, I realized that those aren't the people I need in my life. Those people don't have my best interests at heart, or I just can't stand them, and it's best I remove myself from that before I blow up and end up hurting someone else.

This has left me pretty much alone.

Of course there are people that care about me. That's not really the problem. There just aren't too many people who I can go to when I'm feeling down, or I have great news, or something. There aren't many people that I can ask to go out with me, when I do decide to go out. There aren't many people that I can talk to on those ideal Friday nights.

There were people who could fill those positions, but when they don't need you the way you need them, you just feel unwanted and you don't want to be around them. You don't want to be a burden. I don't want to burden you. I just want someone who feels the same way about me. Is that too much to ask for?

The upside to this, however, is that the friends that I do have, I KNOW that they are for real and forever. I don't ever have to worry about  them. Talking to them will always make me happy. I can always turn to them. I never have to worry about them going behind my back. I know that they will always be there for me. They don't always piss me off. These are the friends that you should aspire to have.

You don't need that person who makes you feel bad about yourself.
You don't need that person who you don't actually like to be around.
You don't need that person that uses you.
You don't need that person who only needs you when they have no one else.
You don't need that person who doesn't have your best interests at hard.
You don't need that person who you secretly hate, but pretend to like because everyone else likes them.

Yeah, you'll be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. I'm sure of it. Keep the people who are the best for you. You don't need anyone else.